Wednesday, November 6, 2013

hide & seek.


Oh, hey there.

It's been awhile. I'm not sure if you noticed, but I've been MIA for the past couple months. I could make up an excuse and say that I've just been soooo busy... which I have. But this absence was more than that. You see, I've been hiding.

Let me start off by saying that September was quite possibly the hardest month of my life. I dove into the semester head-first in the hopes that I would soon be done with school and able to move on with my life. A meeting with my advisor dashed those hopes when I found out that a few transfer credits didn't end up satisfying some needs and I will have to re-take some classes that I thought were way in the past. This will set me back to graduating in 2015 instead of in the near future. And I was crushed.

I felt completely defeated, disheartened and depressed. I felt like I was a huge disappointment. I felt like I wasn't really worth much at all.

Sometimes blogs become a way to show off to the world how great our life is- our how great it seems. We put up the pictures that make us look skinny and shiny and like we have it all together. But we all struggle... at least I think we all do. So when I was going through this crisis of self-worth, I just didn't have the energy to keep up with everything. I couldn't sit here and write about my life when I really wasn't feeling like myself at all.

But here's the silver lining: It's now November, and I feel like a completely different person. A completely better person. You know when they say that trials are great and you'll come out better and you're just like... sure. Whatever. Guess what? They're telling the truth! I've changed more in the past 2 months than I had in the previous 25 years.

Let me tell you what I've learned.
1. Your success doesn't determine your self-worth. You can fail a million times but you're still a child of Heavenly Father and that's literally all that matters. Everything else is just a bonus.
2. Prayer is so, so, SO, so huge. If you put your whole heart into it, it will work. I pinky promise.
3. If you compare yourself to others, you will ALWAYS feel bad about yourself. Always.
4. There's a reason they tell you to read your scriptures daily. When I do it, especially in the mornings, I notice that my day goes smoother and I feel significantly less stressed.
5. You deserve to be happy. Just because things aren't going your way doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the ride.
6. There is so much to look forward to! There will be hard times but I'd like to think that the good times will outweigh those. There's a lot of life left to live.

I still feel a lot of stress and anxiety and fear of the future, but I also feel hope, and I choose to let that outshine everything else. I'm sorry this has turned into one of those sappy posts, but it feels good to share. I'm sure nobody ever thought I was perfect (I would worry about your mental health if you did) but it's refreshing to let you know about my shortcomings. It's refreshing to not hide anymore. And I'll continue to blog and share the pictures that hopefully make me look skinny and shiny, but I'm also gonna share the things that make me human too. I hope you're okay with that.

If you're still around, thank you for reading. I promise to get back to happier posts in the very near future :)))

P.S. The quote at the top comes from this talk. I can't get enough of it.


Kadee said...

Love you, girl. You're great. Can't wait to see you in December. :)

jessica leavitt said...

<3 <3 <3

Emily B said...

That same exact thing happened to me at good old un-love. I always had it in my head that I wanted to graduate college in 4 years. So in my 4th year when I met with my counselor and she told me that there was no way I would be done in a year, I was crushed. But I still finished (in 5 years), and I've never regretted sticking with it. Keep pushing through, Alyssa. You'll be done before you know it.